THE SALTY PAWS - NOVEMBER 2026

ALL THESE DOGS

Liana and I did something on October 24th we should have done a long time ago. We laid Max and Buddy to rest alongside our beloved Coal at the beach they so loved.

We had their headstones made up for literally years, but we could never overcome the emotional inertia of actually grabbing a shovel, bringing the stones down to the beach, digging the holes, and placing their heavy Maine slate headstones over their ashes.

We just couldn't.

Did you notice we left a space between Max and Buddy's headstones? It's not because they disliked each other, it's because we thought Auggie should rest beside Max. And Auggie isn't there yet.

They were the original Two Salty Dogs. They were thick as thieves. They played, fought, stole from, and mocked each other like brothers.

And when Max passed, Auggie lost something. He was never the same. He played less. He snuggled less. Was no longer interested in toys.

Auggie is 15 years old and showing no signs of slowing down.

Liana and I have two other dead dogs' ashes we need to bury at that beach -- Teddy and Sweet Zinny. I don't know how I'll force myself to sit down, design their headstones and send them off to be made, much less summon the will to rest them at the beach. They deserve a better owner than I.

Even my AI Assistant Dozer contributed a bit. The flowers in front of Auggie are the last Zinnias from our Southport cabin this year.

The inscriptions read:
COAL -- HE WAS A GOOD DOG
MAX -- OUR BEST FRIEND

BUDDY -- HIGH FIVES

Thanks for reading.

Let's do something stupid now.

WE LOVE HATE MAIL!

UNHAPPY HOWIE'S

Dear Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters,

As you know, Happy Howie’s appreciates your business.

However, you are in violation of our Minimum Advertised Price Policy (“MAP Policy”).

If you are unaware of our pricing policy, please take time to review it HERE.

Your violation list is below. Review and update your advertised prices promptly to comply with Happy Howie's pricing policy.

The MAP Policy is unilateral and not subject to negotiation or agreement by any reseller.

If you believe you have received this notice in error, please contact compliance@happyhowies.com.

Thank you,

Happy Howie’s

ITEM	SKU	MAP	INFRACTION PRICE
4" BURGER (10PK)	4001	$29.50	$2.00

Dear Happy Howie's Happy AI Bot,

We are selling these in bulk (each). You are matching the full box price against my single price.

Please have your AI Bot contact me directly anytime I am not naked, liquored up or incarcerated.

I expect a thorough AI apology.

I remain,

Don Kingsbury

Quasi-Modo Owner

Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters

Hi Don,

Good morning,

Thank you for the response.

I’m not sure why our MAP monitoring team sent that notification without my approval. I’ll look into it.

Please disregard the notice.

-- Howie

Dear Happy,

Thank you for the un-apology, but I told you I did NOT want you to contact me when I was naked or liquored up. I'm curious to know how you knew I was both.

Can I come to Thanksgiving dinner this year? I promise I won't clog all your toilets with nematodes and call your wife a racist like I did last year.

I remain,

Field Marshmallow Happy von Stuebing

P.S. Note we are STILL in violation of their MAP policy. $29.50 / 10 pack = $2.95/ea. Our price: $2.00/ea

And we never heard back from Happy Howie again.

THE COAL SHACK

HOLY MACKEREL!!!!

Let us have a moderately serious discussion, you and I.

For once.

Since we moved our tiny shop to the wilds of The Interwebs, we have discovered we had to be competitive.

So these Early Bird discounts don't seem as great as the days of yore, but the prices are better. And there's no Midnight Madness. You can get liquored up in the middle of the day and Early Bird to your tiny heart's desire.

And if you consider our Clearance and Dead-End deals, you are way ahead, my friend.

Coal's blog of the month: "THE BREAKFASTS AND THE DOGMANITY." A tale of horror about when I failed to bring a bag of dog food home from work and brought the four dogs from dinner heaven to breakfast hell.

Read it now. Or I will cry.

EARLY BIRD WEB SALE - 2026!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21^st

25% OFF EVERYTHING^*- COUPON CODE - EARLY25

MULTI-DAY MEGA-SALE!

NOVEMBER 22^nd - NOVEMBER 30^th

^{INCLUDES: BLACK FRIDAY, SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY, ARTIST SUNDAY, AND CYBER MONDAY.}

20% OFF EVERYTHING* - COUPON CODE - EARLY20

*EXCEPT THINGS ALREADY ON SALE, PET ID TAGS, PET FOOD, AND WHATEVER ELSE I DECLARE WHILST UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ETHER AND 4 BOXES OF POP TARTS.

CLICK HERE FOR ALL OUR DISCOUNTABLE STUFF

CLICK HERE FOR ALL OUR NON-DISCOUNTABLE STUFF

25% - 20% OFF GREAT NEW STUFF

POLKA DOG

HADDOCK SKINS - 1lb

NOW - $37.75

25% OFF - $28.31

ALASKAN SALMON CHIPS - 2.75oz

NOW - $12.75

25% OFF - $9.56

NO-SKID PORCELAIN

DOG BOWLS

SM - $28.75 / LG - $37.75

25% OFF - $21.56/$28.31

SHOP ALL NEW STUFF NOW

25% OFF: NOV 21^st WITH CODE: EARLY25

20% OFF: NOV 22^nd - NOV 30^th WITH CODE: EARLY20

25%-20% OFF MAINE STUFF

MOOSE ANTLERS

4 SIZES

WAS: $10.25 - $68.75

25% OFF: $7.69 - $51.56

STEP-IN RIBBON DOG HARNESSES

WAS: $45.00

25% OFF: $33.75

BOOTHBAY HARBOR DOG TREATS

WAS: $12.50

25% OFF: $9.38

SHOP ALL MAINE-MADE STUFF NOW

25% OFF: NOV 21^st WITH CODE: EARLY25

20% OFF: NOV 22^nd - NOV 30^th WITH CODE: EARLY20

CLEARANCE: 25% - 60% OFF NO FOOLIN'!

DOG WINTER COATS

3-KINDS

$33 - $50

WATER-PROOF LOBSTERS

$10.75

FUN FOOD!

8

DIFFERENT TOYS

$7.25

SHOP ALL CLEARANCE

NO COUPON NEEDED OR TAKEN FOR CLEARANCE STUFF, CHUCKLES.

THE DEAD END

UPDATED ALL THE TIME

WE ARE DESPERATE TO GET RID OF THIS STUFF BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE A COUPLE ITEMS LEFT AND THEY ARE NO LONGER AVAILABLE FROM WHOLESALERS.

SOME OF THE PRODUCTS WILL ACCEPT THE DISCOUNT CODES!!!!!

Look. Before we get more cool stuff to sell, we've got to cull out the old stuff. Otherwise, it becomes something like "Hoarders - Company Edition" where someone orders the last Kitty Litter Scoop we've been hanging on to for the last 5 years, and we have to summon every last ounce of spizzerinctum to dig through mounds of Fudgie's fetid tennis balls to get it sent off in the mail

That's how reputations are damaged, people!

SHOP ALL DEAD-END PRODUCTS NOW

TRY THE COUPON CODES, MAGILLA. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

TELL WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR FRIENDS!!!

EARLY BIRD - 25% OFF COUPON - EARLY25

ALL DAY NOVEMBER 21^st

BLACK SMALL ARTIST CYBER DISCOUNT DAYS!!

20% OFF COUPON - EARLY20

NOVEMBER 22^nd - NOVEMBER 30^th

THE HARBOR DOGS' STORIES

ENDURE - CHAPTER IX - WISH SHE WAS HERE - by Zinny

A lot of you have emailed me to say Zinny's story is too cruel to read.

Others call me a sick sadist and tell me to stop glorifying animal abuse.

I get thrown off social media when I try to tell her story. I suspect the "Mild Salsa Crowd" what demands mediocrity in all aspects of their lives.

But this is Zinny's life and Zinny's story. I refuse to Disney it down or apologize for it.

Things like puppy mills and animal cruelty are real. I am obviously not making them up.

In this chapter, Zinny remembers her daughter Fights-On-Her-Back and wonders what happened to her after The Long Night.

She remembers her many litters in the Sky Prison, including one devastated by a terrible disease she simply calls The Poison.

As her puppies die, Zinny is visited by The Great Black Dog once again.

And Life springs internal at the Puppy Mill once again.

CHAPTER I CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 6 CHAPTER 7 CHAPTER 8

SO POUR YOURSELF A NICE CUP OF COCOA, OR TUCK INTO A QUART OF DIRTY MOUTHWASH MARTINIS (YELLOW LISTERINE, VERMOUTH & OLIVE JUICE - STIRRED, NOT SHAKEN) AND SETTLE INTO ZINNY'S LATEST HERE.