AUGUST 2026 NEWSLETTER

THE SALTY PAWS - AUGUST 2026

WONDERLESS MYSTERIES OF

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Do you know what an anagram is? It's a Greek word meaning, "Είσαι ένας αφόρητος σπασίκλας. Βρες καμιά ζωή και φέρε μου ένα γύρο."

And whilst you're at it, get me a warm shot of Ouzo and put on that little dress I love so much. The one with the epaulets and the spangled ascot. And get yourself a Bud Light whilst you're up, Chuckles.

Let's dive right into it, shall we?

ANAGRAMS

LISTEN - SILENT

FUNERAL - REAL FUN

THE EYES - THEY SEE

CONVERSATION - VOICES RANT ON

ELEVEN PLUS TWO - TWELVE PLUS ONE

BISCUIT - THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG

DEBIT CARD - BAD CREDIT

ORANGES - SORANGE

THERAPIST - THE RAPIST

DORMITORY - DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER - MOON STARER

A DECIMAL POINT - I'M A DOT IN PLACE

MASSACHUSETTS - MA ASS HAT USES IT

VENMO - VENOM

ALEC GUINNESS - GENUINE CLASS

YOU CAN'T SPELL...

Don't feel bad. No one can spell anymore. Spellchecker transformed a once proud, literary nation into one where people get beaten up by roving gangs of illiterates with sturdy lengths of bicycle chain for reading anything longer than a traffic sign.

I'm old and fat enough to remember my high school teachers and coaches saying things like, "THERE'S NO "I" IN "TEAM," and "YOU CAN'T SPELL "SUCCESS" WITHOUT "U."

That's when I started burning myself with Macanudo cigars.

And only Macanudo cigars.

YOU CAN'T SPELL...

WE LOVE HATE MAIL!

TWO MINUTE HATES

WAY BEHIND THE TIMES

Customer - "Do you ship to Washington?"

Me - "No ma'am. He died in 1799."

Customer - "Haha! I mean the State."

Me - "WASHINGTON DC BECAME A STATE?!?!"

Customer - < CLICK >

Me - "Dang. I really needed that sale."

LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN

I paid for 2-day delivery. Why is the shipment arriving on Friday night? I'm disappointed that I will not order from your company again. Amazon pay is not to blame. Your clearly saw the amount for the transaction. I paid for 2-day shipping. I thought I would receive the order by Thursday at the latest.

-- Mrs. Bubba Whackjob esq. IV

My Dearest Deluded Whackjob,

You placed your order at 9:17pm on a Saturday night. I'm not sure if the word has made it to Lunaticville yet, but the post office is closed every Sunday of the year, and has been for over two hundred years.

If you bothered to look at the expensive tracking email we sent out, you'd see we sent your package to the Post Office at 10am on Monday morning with 2-day shipping, as requested.

Whether they get it to you within 2 days is not something we have the slightest bit of control over.

But I just wanted to let you know that after I got this extremely disturbing email from you, I took off all my clothes and screamed threats to the Post Office from my porch until very calm people shot me up with sedatives, wrapped me in a rug and dropped me off at a very nice white hotel for a couple days.

Maybe you should write nasty letters to the USPS about the torment you have suffered at their hands. But whatever you do, definitely DO NOT visit my website again until you grow up.

I remain,

Dr. Jughead von Chlorineleak

GLOTTIS OR EPIGLOTTIS?

Email Scammer: Good day Don, Are you the owner or manager of this store twosaltydogs.com ?

Me: Is this Santa?

Email Scammer: I spent a few minutes browsing your store and I like what you've built. Out of curiosity, how has the store been doing recently? Are you getting the kind of traffic and sales you were hoping for?

Me: Heck No. I was hoping for a lot more orders from hot chicks. Are you hot?

Email Scammer: We can help you double your traffic and orders in under a month. How does that sound?

Me: It sounds like it would make me want to shoot myself in the epiglottis under the Ferris Wheel at a traveling carnival.

Email Scammer: Hello? Is this the owner?

Me: The owner has shot himself in his glottis and can't come to the keyboard. This is Santa. May I help you?

EPILOGUE: I'm still waiting for more orders from hot chicks.

THE COAL SHACK

BLIMEY!!!!!

I'll never forget the time I was walking all the dogs out at Porter Preserve on a windy fall day. We walked through that Oak Grove near the dock and acorns were falling everywhere.

The dogs didn't care, or even notice that they were being carpet bombed until...

An acorn hit Coal squarely on his flat, enormous head. It made a hollow sound because his mouth was open.

I will never forget how he looked up at me like with a poisonous look as if I just hit him with a rock.

In 20 seconds everything was forgotten and and he was running around, having a great time as usual. READ HIS VERSION OF EVENTS HERE

AUTOMATIC

30% OFF

ALL DOG TOYS*

*Except Westpaw

SHOP DOG TOYS NOW

20% OFF

MAINE-MADE STUFF

CODE:

EPIGLOTTIS

SHOP MAINE-MADE NOW

30% OFF

10" LONG-LASTING BEEF CHEEK DOG TREATS USE CODE:

GLOTTIS

SHOP WICKED DISCOUNTED BEEF CHEEKS

ITEMS WE ARE DESPERATE TO GET RID OF BECAUSE THEY ARE NO LONGER AVAILABLE OR WE ARE NO LONGER GOING TO SELL THEM.

Look. If someone doesn't buy this cat litter scoop for $1.50, what's left of my brain is going to come out of my ears with the consistency of warm orange Jello. Not because we need the $1.50, but because I'm a principled man who sees things to their conclusion.

SHOP ALL DEAD-END PRODUCTS NOW

NEW STUFF - ALL USA MADE

Silicone Dog Slow Feed Bowl - Lick Mat - Hearts - 2 Colors

$19.75

Shop now

Waxed Canvas Small Dog Carrier - Handmade in USA - Cinnamon

$109.75

Shop now

Cotton Dog Harness - Handmade - Adjustible - Navy Blue - Made in USA

$41.00

Shop now

SHOP ALL NEW STUFF

SALE ENDS AUGUST 31, 2026 AT MIDNIGHT UNLESS THE NECROMANCER SHOWS UP WITH HIS 17-SIDED DICE AND RELEASES ME FROM THE ELF DUNGEONS WITH A POWER-UP THAT KEEPS ME LARPing UNTIL LATE IN THE FALL. SALE IS NOT OPEN TO TROLLS, WIZARDS, DUNGEON-MASTERS, DRUIDS OR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO GIVE ME WEDGIES AT RECESS.

FORWARD THIS NEWSLETTER TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TERRIFIED OF A STUFFED DOG TOY LIKE FUDGIE. CLICK THE VIDEO TO HEAR FUDGIE GROWL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE. AND FORWARD THIS NEWSLETTER TO SOMEONE, WILLYA? I'M 58 AND FAME IS SLOWLY DRAINING THROUGH MY SCLEROTIC, BLOATED, SAUSAGE FINGERS.

THE HARBOR DOGS' STORIES

ENDURE - CHAPTER VI - THE FALL OF THE FLYING DOGS - by Zinny

Yes, I changed the title.

As Zinny's story grew, My Name Is Zinnia no longer felt big enough. Since her untimely death, what began as a series of monthly blogs has become the novel I never intended to write.

In Chapter VI, Zinny continues telling her first litter the oldest Dog story known—a tale of courage, betrayal, and the day The ancient Flying Dogs lost their wings.

We also spend time with her very first pups: Nibbles, Barkey, Dozer, Rude Boy and the others.

I hope you'll walk a little farther with Zinny. Her story is important.

CHAPTER I CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 3 CHAPTER 4 CHAPTER 5

SO POUR YOURSELF A NICE CUP OF COCOA, OR A QUART OF JAGERMEISTER THAT WAS IN YOUR CUPBOARD SINCE THE NELL CARTER ADMINISTRATION, AND SETTLE IN WITH ZINNY'S LATEST AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL STORY HERE.