But sometimes helping isn't enough. Especially if people don't want to be helped. 

Sometimes you need to force people to accept help.

That's why we're proud to introduce GRAND GESTURES™, the revolutionary new service that allows caring grandparents to send $10 directly to their grandchildren for the low, low price of just $50.

Imagine the joy on little Timmy's face when he receives ten crisp American dollars and learns that Grandma just paid for his next trip to the liquor store and a half-gallon of Popov vodka in a plastic jug.

And imagine Grandma's satisfaction knowing that she's used the interwebs successfully for once.

GRAND GESTURES™ — because family is priceless. And Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters has priced priceless reasonably. 

ACTUAL EMAIL FROM CUSTOMER:

Hello,

Upon arrival of my Two Salty Dogs massive stuffed beaver today, I handed it over to my dog,  whom was delighted. I noticed immediately that there was a hole and she had not even gotten a chance to play with it yet!

I think it was produced defective because the hole is almost two inches long, and it is very loose, needing some good stuffing.

Please send a replacement, as my dog is beside herself, waiting to play with her massive beaver.

Thank you,

--Sad Owner of a Holey Beaver

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your massive beaver, and thanks for including pictures of the hole. 

Unfortunately, you took the last of my massive beavers. We were looking to liquidate them. And so I have no massive beaver replacement to give you. https://www.twosaltydogs.com/products/vip-stuffed-dog-toy-benny-beaver

We have beavers that are smaller if you are interested. Of course, if you chose a regular beaver or a beaver Jr., we would refund you the difference. 

Another option would be to get another massive animal. Although not as much fun as a massive beaver, may I suggest: 

1) Massive Pig https://www.twosaltydogs.com/products/vip-stuffed-dog-toy-paisley-piglet

2) Massive Chipmunk: https://www.twosaltydogs.com/products/vip-stuffed-dog-toy-chippy-chipmunk

3) Massive Leopard: https://www.twosaltydogs.com/products/vip-stuffed-dog-toy-lenny-leopard

Please let me know if you'd rather have one of the three replacement beavers shown, a smaller, more properly-stuffed beaver, or a refund.

Thank you,

--Don

Thank you so much for standing behind your product. While the largest beaver available would be our first choice, we certainly understand the position you are in and would be satisfied with a Massive Chipmunk.

I very much appreciate your stellar customer service!

--Proud New Owner of a Massive Munk

ENDURE - CHAPTER VII

EXODUS - by Zinny

READ THE SEVENTH CHAPTER OF ZINNY'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY YOU JACKBALLS, OR I WILL INFECT YOU WITH "THE GILBERT GOTTFRIED VIRUS" THAT PRODUCES SCREECHING INSIDE YOUR SKULL THAT A ONLY A 4-DAY DARK ROAST COFFEE ENEMA WILL ALLEVIATE.