Email your very own responses to all 20 scenarios herein for a chance to win a $50 Gift Certificate to Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters.
Responses will be gauged mostly on whether or not you are subscribed to our monthly newsletter, sarcasm, creativity, understanding of the English language, sarcasm, and obsequiousness. And sarcasm.
The winner will be solely judged by me, and possibly Liana if she gets "that way."
Contest ends August 21, 2025. Winners will be announced via email, in our September Newsletter (subscribe), and our Facebook Page.
Email your responses here: fatmax@twosaltydogs.net.
1) An older gent just got off a tour bus and wants to get the "real feel" of Boothbay Harbor. He sees my Red Sox hat and demands to know what I think of the Dever's trade. I tell him I thought Devers was clubhouse poison to all the rookies, the Red Sox were right to trade him, and the Red Sox aren't going anywhere near the post season unless they get their defense under control. The old gent says, "I guess you just wear the hat." I should:
A) Rip off my shirt, put pasties on my man-boobs and gyrate them as I run down Townsend Ave screaming, "We Are The Champions" to prove my loyalty to the Red Sox.
B) Tell him I paid my Red Sox dues in 1975 as a crestfallen boy living in the City of Boston, and in 1986 as a crestfallen teenager in Maine, and that I got this grimy hat in 2003 when I was sure the Sox would beat the Stinkees in the ACLS until Grady Little committed his atrocity what shan't be mentioned here or forevermore.
C) Break down crying, and beg him to do what he can to bring Devers back.
D) "Hear that? It's the last bus to Shoeless Joe Jacksonville departing at the gate marked 'Failure.' Make sure you're on it, or I'll have you trespassed."
2) Someone brings an un-priced item to the counter and I have trouble checking it out. The person says, "I guess it's free!"
A) "As free as a case of herpes, J-hole."
B) "Never heard that one before."
C) "That will be $600."
D) "I'm going to get a cute, baby bunny and jab it with a white-hot needle every time I hear "It's Free!" from now on. Congratulations on effecting change."
3) A woman enters the shop and bounds her way to the front of the long line and says, "Am I going to get ticketed where I parked?"
A) "Lady, unless you buy $200 worth of stuff in here right now, you're going to get ticketed wherever you park in this town."
B) "My psychic powers are being blocked by a chakra in The Forbidden Zone."
C) "Dammit, Jim. I'm a pet supply store, not Free Parking."
D) "As an exalted Maine tourist, you are entitled to park wherever you want for as long as you want."
4) One morning, a younger couple stepped over the knee-high fence out back and walked towards our storage shed, setting the dogs to Olympic levels of berzerk. I ask if I can help them. They want to see the pet store.
A) "Thank Dog you could tell my storage shed was a storefront! Most people just walk right on by because stepping over the fence is such a chore. Huzzah to your tenacity and spunk! I salute you!"
B) I ask them politely if they are drinking whilst on heavy medication this morning because they stepped over my fence, had to move sideways to get by my truck, step over several bags of ripe garbage, and found themselves on a glorious, huge pile of cardboard boxes I am in the process of breaking down for the dump.
C) "Pet store? You barbarians! Adopt Don't Shop! This is a pet SUPPLY store. Now GET OUT."
D) "You got the secret password right, now let's do some coke."
5) A loudly self-declared veterinarian asks if we stock a really lousy brand of dog food. I apologetically tell him we don't. He becomes bombastic and hectors me in front of customers that all my dog food is way overpriced and I'm ripping people off. He tells me his brand of dog food is the best available because it's cheap and they employ so many nutritionists.
A) "By your reasoning, McDonald's should be the healthiest thing a person could eat. But all those nutritionists are trying to figure out how to get ingredients like 'rendered raccoon carcass' classified by the USDA as a human-grade protein for the McRib."
B) "There are veterinarians who got into the business because they love animals. And there are those who failed medical school, but used their beer-soaked college credits for a fast-track veterinary degree to pay their defaulting student loans whilst all their doctor friends took a year off in Namibia to live the 'Ultimate Reclusive Surfing Lifestyle.'
Which one are you?"
C) "Perhaps you're right. If I sold your shitty brand of dog food, I'd sell a lot more anti-itch shampoos, fish oil, and skin supplements. Thanks for the business model, Poopums."
D) "You're pretty snippy for a petulant, over-educated failure. Now hoof your fat ass up to Pet Dumb in Rockland to get your Dog Food Talisman."
6) A woman comes in holding up an item from the sale bin and asks, "Is the sale price on the white sticker or the orange sticker?"
A) "In Maine, 'SALE' printed on an orange sticker with a price means you actually have to pay more than the white sticker. It's a really quirky part of our culture and history. Embrace it!"
B) "Current theories from CERN suggest it's the orange sticker with the word 'SALE' printed in bold letters that has a lower price."
C) "NO SALE PRICES WILL BE HONORED UNLESS YOU'RE A 5'-3" GREEN-EYED SCIENTOLOGIST WITH ECZEMA."
D) "Now I have to charge you twice the full price. Sorry."
7) "Your book was a waste of my time. I hated it."
A) "I want my money back."
B) "Please don't tell my mom."
C) "Untrue. My book is a waste of both of our time."
D) "Your hate provides enough fuel for me to write another book you will hate."
8) "OH MY GOD!!! YOU JUST LET YOUR DOGS ROAM AROUND FREE IN THIS SHOP?!?! I WAS BITTEN BY A DOG WHEN I WAS YOUNG!"
A) "Lady, I'm more worried you'll bite my dogs than I'm worried my dogs will bite you."
B) "That's rubbish. My dogs haven't killed anyone in over a week."
C) "Gee. Why would a dog ever want to bite you?"
D) "Lady, you are definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time."
9) "What happened to the older woman in the shed next to you who sold the jams and jellies?"
A) "She was rounded up by ICE and deported to one of those unpronounceable Balkan countries like ƴúğƱďơǷȫЛΪӔ or Herzegovina."
B) "She volunteered to fly one of the B-2 Bombers in the strike on Iran's nuclear infrastructure and was shot down."
C) "She was indicted on jelly racketeering through her cartel of resale shops specializing in "lightly soiled" nightgowns and broken VHS recorders."
D) "Drugs."
10) A well-dressed young man enters the shop with an iPad under his arm. He rushes over to me with a smile and his hand out. He jovially says I didn't return his calls / emails. He says he tried dropping in to meet me three times this week, but every single time I wasn't at the shop, ha ha ha...
ha.
Then he drops that he's from Spectrum Business. He alone is authorized to give me the most positively obscene rate on internet and phone when I combine them with my home and auto insurance and all my mother's credit card numbers and submit them to an offshore company that's not bound by the constricting fiscal laws of the United States.
A) "I'd like to shake your hand, but I just got the antibiotics to take hold."
B) "Unless you have technology to find out what the hell my teenage employees are talking about, get out."
C) "If you can beat me in a bare-knuckled boxing match in the middle of McKown Street right now I'll buy everything you've got and give you a back massage."
D) "I'm sorry. I'd love to buy everything you're selling, but my crotch really itches and I have to go into the bathroom to scratch it. Sometimes I spend all day in there."
11) Do you have a bathroom my grandfather with explosive diarrhea can use?
A) "No."
B) "Get out."
C) "Go on... GET OUT."
D) "OUT."
12) 14-year old Auggie comes up behind a surly delivery driver and licks the back of his leg. The delivery driver instinctively kicks back with his foot and hits Auggie in the face. Aug yelps and runs away to hide under my truck. I see what just happened and tell the driver not to kick my dog. He says he doesn't know what I'm talking about, he didn't touch my dog. His incredulous lie makes me so furious I could bite through a railroad spike.
A) I tell myself all people are battling their own personal demons and to be understanding of them before hitting this scumbag in the torso with a board having 4" wood staples sticking out the end of it.
B) "Gee, Mister Scumbag, maybe you're right and you didn't kick him. I completely forgot why my senior dog is cowering and whimpering under my truck. Golly! Have a nice day!"
NO SHIT.
C) "If your bountiful ass takes any longer than 10 seconds to get off my property, I will throw the quart of clam chowder Lyle's had in the shop fridge for over 2 weeks in your truck cab. Enjoy that all the way back to Woonsocket, Petunia."
D) "Who do you think is going to be first to call your boss and explain why I'm never using your company again? Me or you?"
13) I am peacefully in my corner of the The Newagen Inn, writing this very missive you are reading now. The hostess seats a large party right behind me. Petulant, high-pitched whining and the sound of children running and screaming around the bar are annoying everyone. The parents are obviously on vacation. Not only from their dull cookie cutter lives, but from all their parenting duties. I should:
A) Turn around and snarl to the parents, "I don't drink in their playground, so why do you let them play in my drinkground?"
B) Jump out of my seat, start screeching and running around the bar and throwing silverware with the kids. When the kids are corralled by their suddenly-attentive parents, sit in the middle of the floor and start crying in that overly-loud way children do when they just want attention. Then ask a waitress to get my drink from the bar. And a menu.
C) Tell the parents they'll have to move their children 500ft away regarding an unfortunate court order stemming from me strangling multiple misbehaving children in bars.
D) Buy the children a round of Fireball shots.
14) I see some guy letting his largish dog crap all over our lawn across the street without picking it up.
A) Wait for him to leave, go over and grab his dog's poo with a poo bag, run up behind him and drop it down the back of his shirt. Then give him a big slap on the back.
B) Walk over and piss on his leg.
C) Follow him around town, loudly and relentlessly asking why he let his dog shit on my lawn without picking it up. Ask him if I can come shit on his lawn in Saugus.
D) Run to the Book Depository Tower and fire off a dozen BB's at his ass with the Ol' Poo-Shooter.
15) An otherwise normal woman enters the shop and says, "Do you have any rope?" I reply that I have lots of rope dog toys and tie-out lines. She says, "No. I just want about 15ft of rope."
A) "WHY in the name of Sweet Feathery Floating JESUS do you think a pet store would sell arbitrary lengths of rope?"
B) "You want the 10,000sqft rope factory right around the corner."
C) "You win. You've extinguished my will to live."
D) "Please tell me it's not to go hang yourself."
16) After a few humid minutes upstairs at Robinson's Wharf, Hugh said I was blocking the handicapped space. I hustled my ass to the deck stairs where a man obviously suffering from dementia was erratically trying to maneuver his car out the 35ft gap between my truck and the end of the next car. His screeching wife flitted about the parking lot, leveling abuse at Robinson's staff, a "nice young man" who was helping her husband, and anyone who dared come within eye-shot of her.
A) "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, LADY? A MASSHOLE DRIVING LESSON?"
B) "HEY! LADY!!! LADY!!!!!! LLLLL-AAAAA-DDDDDD-YYYYYY!!!!!!!!" And when she turns her head to look at me scream, "YOU SUCK!"
C) "IF YOU HIT MY TRUCK, I'M CALLING JOE BORNSTEIN BECAUSE HE MEANS BUSINESS. DNNNNNGGGGG."
D) Walk down the stairs and into the parking lot, give the woman a passionate hug, and drop trou.
17) "What's the longest-lasting dog toy you have?"
A) "For an extra $50 in Bitcoin, I can sprinkle some magic dust on any toy here that will make it last forever."
B) "The rusted lawnmower engine out back. I personally guarantee your dog will never get through it. $25. You haul. No returns."
C) "Look, everyone comes in here and brags about what a hard chewer their dog is when their dog is a mediocre chewer at best. But if your dog is indeed a champion chewer, go get a rubber trashcan for $20 at the hardware store, throw it in your back yard and run for your life."
D) "Any one of the rocks you find lying around here will last well beyond the Holocene Epoch. Guaranteed."
18) A fresh recruit to Boothbay Harbor's finest, full of boiling testosterone, curtly tells my long-time delivery driver John to move his truck, RIGHT NOW or face a ticket. I tell him we're offloading as fast as we can. He says to schedule the truck so it's not an obstruction in future. John rolls his eyes, and says the truck is out of Rhode Island. Boy Cop points his baton at me and growls, MOVE THIS TRUCK. NOW.
A) "Jawohl, mein kleinschwänziger Jugendleiter. Und jetzt steck dir Sand in den Arsch." HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!! HAHAHA! HA! HA! HA!!!!!
B) I scream, grab my chest, and pretend to have a heart attack until John gets the rest of the delivery to my shed.
C) "For Dog's sake. Do us all a favor and get laid."
D) "We'll move this truck, but let me tell you what's going to happen from now on, Dirty Harry. Every time I see any delivery truck double-parked anywhere in Boothbay Harbor, I'm going to photograph it, note the time in my journal, and immediately call the Police Department. That's YOU. And one of you had better hustle his giant ass down here and get it moved pronto or I will sue this town for enforcing the law differently for different citizens."
19) A large group of two loud families comes into the shop. They're trying to burn off all the sugar and bad energy in their kids before going out to dinner. The young kids pick up balls and throw them around the shop. Some of the balls go out the door and into the street. The older kids grab toys and squeak toys violently and repeatedly, like they're trying to break the squeaker. In a firm voice, I politely ask all of them to stop abusing the merchandise. The parents, of course, become angry and tell me I'm being rude.
A) "Has your family ever been pepper sprayed as a family? It makes a great Christmas card."
B) "Your lack of parenting skills and aura of apathy shocks even me." I break out an air horn and drive them out the door with short, controlled bursts, accompanied by my sustained, evil laughter.
C) "This isn't Romper Room or Disney Land, douche bags. This is my livelihood. I need to sell those things your kids are destroying to pay my unmerciful rent. And it's a lot easier to pay my rent if those things aren't all fucked up."
D) "There are 10 of you, and only one of me with the Ol' Poo Shooter. How do you like those odds? Haha! I promise to only shoot the adults in the ass, but only if you're all moving towards the door in three seconds.... 2...... 1....."
20) I am forced to go to the local supermarket for a pound of rendered pig lard for Liana's soiree happening in mere minutes. I am accosted by several people. "Hey! You're that guy with the pet store!" I nervously clutch the lard to my breast and slowly crab-walk to checkout as they machine-gun me with funny things I said to them when I was liquored up at the end of the bar as far back as 3 years ago. I remember not one bit of it. I smile politely like a foreign-exchange student that just shat his pants.
A) "I'd love to stand here and chat, but I just shat myself. Excuse me."
B) "What? My name is Dan, Don's evil brother with no sense of humor. I only get loaded with God in The Mormon Tabernacle."
C) "Look! That's a good price for a Family-Size Cool Ranch bag of Doritos!" and run out the door to freedom, but unfortunately also as a lard thief.
D) Crack the bottle of Bushmills in my hand basket, take a good pull, and settle into the checkout line for the worst.
I reiterate: Email your own 20 sarcastic responses to fatmax@twosaltydogs.net for the chance to win a $50 Gift Certificate.
Or don't. I don't care.
-- Don (Not a Dog)