I'm sorry I'm using this venue to proselytize, and I realize I will lose some of you more politically-minded customers who don't know what proselytize means. But I can remain silent no longer......
Some will tell you the biggest threat to America is corporate greed. Others tell you assuredly it is the decay of moral values. Then there's our shape-shifting reptilian overlords, our manipulative cabals of financial and political power on the murky sidelines, pulling all the puppet strings.
And don't forget the aliens: relentlessly cavity-probing us for over 75 years, because even though they have mastered space-time travel, they need thousands upon thousands of probes to get the human anus right.
The biggest threat to these Disunited States of America is not Russia, China, inflation, deflation, or military weakness. It is not even the horrifically massive pedophile networks perpetrated by Jeffrey Epstein and the Catholic Church.
No. The single biggest threat to the Western World is bicyclists. I call them "Bi-Cultists."
And we need to start fighting back.
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J'ACCUSE
Are you American? Do you remember all that stock footage of 2nd and 3rd world countries with mopeds, pedestrians, bicycles, and motorcycles just crashing into each other when some traffic light you couldn't see turned green?
This is what the Bi-Cultists want for America.
America, the most powerful country the world has ever seen, should be driving around in 1963 Eldorado convertibles with leaky piston rings, and WWII Army surplus Jeeps that run on distilled hatred.
NOT BICYCLES.
Could you imagine the surge in insurance rates and our clogged court system as a result of bicycle damage and injuries? Just look at the vid to the right.
"I'm sorry, sir. You were found responsible for bending Mr. Leakypoo's sprocket and tearing 52 Lycra Bicycle suits. You are ordered by this court to pay restitution of $27.48 for the sprocket, $15,750.04 per Lycra suit and accumulated legal fees of $1.2 billion."
Since the invention of Lycra bicycle shorts in the 1970's, Bi-Cultists have quietly been accumulating more wealth, power and influence in the 3rd/2nd world than even Swifties. Borderline first-world countries like Denmark, Sao Paulo, and Germany succumbed to Lycra's siren song long, ago.
I tell you it is not a coincidence that Lycra repels hydrochloric, sulphuric, and virtually every acid known to humankind, EXCEPT D-Lysergic Acid Diethylamide.
Am I setting off alarm bells for anyone?
Anyone?
I am the first person to tell you I don't have all the answers, and I realize I'm putting my very neck on a dark web chopping block by even discussing this topic. Yet some things are more important to me than my neck. Like my ass. I love my ass. It's one of a kind, that ass.
With that said, it's important to note at this point if I ever get "Epsteined," that suicide was never in my heart.
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INDOCTRINATION NATION
The Bi-Cultists start brainwashing early. They place their helpless replicant larvae into one of those idiotic towing cubes attached to a bicycle. Oftentimes, that bicycle cube is made in some ice cube-less place like Italy or France where people day-drink all the time and get free kidney transplants.
Secured with their "Commie Cube," the average Bi-Cultist stuffs in a couple of their larval replicants and sets out into heavy, fast-moving traffic, preferably on winding, hilly roads with no shoulder. Couldn't the Bi-Cultists use their larvae - threatening contraption on a flat road with lots of visibility? Of course not. That would prevent millions of lawsuit dollars from rolling into the cult. It would also fail to desensitize the larvae enough to progress to the next step of development.
If they aren't killed outright in their cube, or devolve into permanent "Shock-Cases" where the parents will simply eat them at leisure, the larval survivors of the Commie Cube are then ready for the next Bi-Cult growth phase test - the Tandem Bicycle.
I say "ready" when no one in the sane world could possibly be ready for something as brutish as a Tandem Bicycle.
Pro and Anti-American experts agree. The Tandem Bicycle test further brainwashes Bi-Cult larvae into not being intimidated by sane people. You can see these Bi-Cult larvae on the back seat of these tandem bikes with their feet up, playing their Dragon Ball game whilst Mommy pedals herself into heat stroke up Milf Mountain. This also has the benefit of teaching Bi-Cult larvae that if you act helpless, people will automatically respect you and cart your ass around according to your whims.
Once the Bi-Cult larvae are completely desensitized to common sense and ridicule (usually round their 6th birthday), they are presented with their first pair of genuine Oakley sunglasses, a full-body Lycra bicycle suit with irritating Fascist-like insignia in neon colors, and a helmet to ward off beer bottles thrown by passing motorists.
Then the Bi-Cult larvae are given hugely expensive bicycles and brought to Bar Harbor - The Helicoptering Parent Capital of the World. From there, the larvae fan out, where they are nurtured by the National Park Service on the Carriage Road System. They pedal their bicycles into oncoming carriage traffic with parents close behind, screaming encouragement at their wobbly offspring, and insults at any carriage drivers.
If they aren't eaten by their parents on the Carriage Roads, the Larvae are shuffled off to private high schools to play 4 years of lacrosse or field hockey in a pupal state. At the end of four years, they emerge from their chrysalis as beautiful butterflies with fully-developed senses of self-righteousness and impunity.
They're ready for college!
If the young Bi-Cultist "butterfly" can survive 4-6 years of college without murdering or raping any nabob's replicant, their parents will present them with an unchallenging job at the family company business, usually in something nebulous like "finance" or insurance adjusting.
Side note: Bi-Cult members recognize each other in public with Oakley sunglasses. Notice how many law enforcement officers, snowboarders, jet-skiers, and military personnel wear Oakleys.
Furthermore, intelligence agencies like the CIA, MI5 and the Mossad track sales of Oakley sunglasses across the globe to pinpoint rising hot spots of Bi-Cult activity with amazing accuracy.
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BRAIN POWER
But what makes this pervasive cult tick? Why do they seek power, and how do they acquire that power? Why are they such insufferable bastards? Do they know they come off as insufferable bastards? Is their strong sense of superiority cultivated or inherited? And how did they get to know what is best for everybody? Do they know their Lycra Suits make them look like they're in "futuristic" space man uniforms for an awful, un-futuristic 1950's sci-fi movie?
This cult's major strength lies in it's incredible banality. Unlike other cults with aspirations of global domination, Bi-Cultists maintain visibility in society. They don't seal themselves off in ranches or compounds or mine shafts. No. They walk around freely during the work week, boring their coworkers with lofty speeches about gear ratios and how Lance Armstrong wasn't a huge, one-testicled fraud. All this small talk disguises the ambitions of a deadly cult what allows them to move freely within the population they seek to enslave and consume.
Bi-Cultists seek to harvest human beings, liquefy their brains and drink them like cocktails from human skulls.
DID YOU KNOW? After consuming approximately 20 human brains, the average Bi-Cultist is ready to spawn over 100,000 larvae.
The average American brain is approximately 0.1% alcohol and weighs 3lbs. Therefore the average American brain contains 0.05 ounces of ethanol - not enough for a Shirley Temple or 1/100ths of an O'Doul's.
Yet it takes only 16 human brains to make an average blended strawberry daiquiri (2oz of 80 proof / 40% Rum, or 0.8oz ethanol). But this is assuming Bi-Cultists enjoy drinks like daiquiris. They do not. They enjoy 1.5oz shots of warm human brain-derived Southern Comfort, which is only 70 Proof or 35% ABV. So for the record, that takes only 0.525oz of ethanol, or 10.5 average human brains.
I don't know about you, but I like my brain, and I like it precisely at 0.10% ABV and 98.6 degrees F. And I definitely can't afford to have any part of my brain eaten by bicyclists or RFK-like brain worms. Or even JFK-like brain worms.
And I like my ass. I've always liked my ass. Have you ever seen my ass by moonlight? It's quite something.
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HORRORS OF THE HOLOCENE
Doubt my thesis? Here are some first-hand accounts that should alarm and convince you.
PRYING BRAINS
We've all been there before.
I was driving down a hilly, curvy road and a bicyclist popped up. I slowed down and waited to get a good vantage point of the opposing traffic to pass.
I hung back a little bit. It was taking a long time. So when the bicyclist waved me forward, I jumped at the chance and pulled into the left lane. I immediately swerved off the road to avoid a speeding propane truck coming the other way.
When I came to, I saw the Bi-Cultist trying to pry the brain out of the propane truck driver's skull. Luckily, my truck was still righted and running. I put my truck into 4WD and floored it up the embankment.
I swear there were bright lights coming from inside the bicyclist's Oakleys as I hit the pavement and put as many miles as I could between us.
I wondered about the EMTs and other first-responders as I sat down to my first Bushmills. I hoped they'd be OK.
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RULES OF THE PATH
When I was in college, my friend Dave and I took our crappy mountain bikes to the land preserve for a bunch of muddy fun. We'd been at it for a good three hours and were happy and filthy. Like Coal in a mud puddle.
We poked up out of the woods onto an asphalt-paved bike path. Mud flew everywhere. Seeing no one on the path, we lackadaisically made our way back to campus, two abreast, laughing about how filthy we were and how we were going to kick each other's ass in poker later that night.
After a bit of lackadaisical pedaling, we heard "PASSING ON THE RIGHT!" from behind. We turned around and there were about 10 Bi-Cultists charging up behind us.
I wobbled to one side of the path and my friend went off to the other. They came in between us, stopped, and looked at us disdainfully through their Oakley's. They'd seen all the mud on the path, and on us and grimaced. There was also tsk tsking. They worried about their heart rates dropping below optimal, and kept looking at their wrist monitors. They swigged exaggeratedly from prim nalgene bottles with blocky Fascist-like neon logos.
What I presume was the Alpha addressed us in curt, scolding tones. Didn't we know even the basic courtesies of a bike path? He said we should get off our bikes and sweep all the mud off it with our tongues.
When I burst out laughing, he got very angry. Little drops of condensate appeared on the inside of his Oakley goggles. Then a flash of red inside the goggles.
"GET OUT OF HERE, DAVE!!! PEDAL FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!" I screamed.
That's when I saw The Alpha shape-shift into a horrendous demon resembling Al Roker as the rest of the Bi-Cultists lunged for Dave's skull.
In a surge of energy, I powered my mountain bike into the brush. The Bi-Cultists couldn't follow me with their 10 speeds, and I never spoke of my friend Dave again.
Until now.
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BRIDGING THE GUT
Case in point: The Southport Bridge.
It clearly says on a big sign with military-like block letters on both sides of the bridge: "BICYCLISTS MUST WALK BICYCLES ON SIDEWALK."
That sign has been there, painted over and over, verbatim, since the bridge was built over Townsend Gut in 316AD, yet NO BICYCLE HAS EVER BEEN WALKED OVER THE SOUTHPORT BRIDGE.
I was even yelled at by a particularly officious Bi-Cultist whilst I passed him on the bridge. I did it legally - easily providing 3ft of space between us, and not going over 25mph, but somehow the Bi-Cultist saw fit to scream about speeding and not providing adequate space.
There was no one behind me, so I screeched to a halt on the bridge. I demanded an apology. The situation devolved into my screaming, "THAT SIGN TO WALK YOUR BIKE ACROSS THE BRIDGE HAS BEEN THERE FOR OVER A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS, YOU JACKBALL!!!!"
I sped off then, thinking that was the lamest possible thing to scream at anyone I'd ever heard from anyone.
Ever.
But I still had my brain, and that was enough.
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GARY PEACOCK
I did not make that name up.
Gary is your typical Bi-Cultist. Typical in every way except he was thwarted by the police from eating a juicy teenager's (actually 22) brain and spawning 100,000 larvae.
You see, Gary is a millionaire and called 911 to say a teenager (actually 22) ran him off the road with malice, and to send an officer immediately despite no injuries.
Once there, Gary bent the ear of the police officer for 15 minutes about punks, and how this teen put his life in danger, and how the officer must make arrests like this all the time.
Gary told the officer he followed this punk teenager and detained him with physical force until the officer could arrive. Gary thought he was a hero. Gary thought the officer and the nation would thank and decorate him. He was making a difference in his community. Gary wanted full charges pressed against the killer teen (actually 22). Gary was smug in his self-righteousness like any Bi-Cultist.
Therefore, Gary was incredulous when the police officer talked to the teen (actually 22) alone.
Why wasn't the Oakley's wearing Bi-Cultist word to the Oakley-wearing officer enough for the officer to serve a brain up?
The officer wasn't a Bi-Cultist.
And no wonder Gary was nervous when the officer spoke to the teenager (22). He had dashcam video showing he passed Gary with more than ample room. He had cellphone video of Gary going off the rails, assaulting him, kicking the door of his car, and illegally detaining him.
Thus Gary was served with a disorderly conduct charge.
Gary tried to bargain his way out.
He would drop his complaint against the teenager (22yo) if the teen (still 22yo) would drop the disorderly charge against Gary. The police officer said he was the one issuing the charge against Gary and wouldn't drop it, based on the evidence he had. ALSO, he was called all the way out to this remote skate park by Gary and a frantic 911 call. 911 was reserved for life-threatening or imminent grave harm situations, not Bi-Cultist wanting to eat a juicy teenage (actually 22) human brain.
These Bi-Cultist invaders CAN be beaten, people! We need only unite!
E. PULIBUS UNUM!
-- Don (Not a Dog)