Hear me out.
Ketamine - crazed foreign billionaires run roughshod over our government with chainsaws.
Health Insurance companies create blurry, byzantine procedures to "delay, deny, and defer" claims of dying US citizens.
Giant corporations crush small businesses that can't afford health care benefits for their employees. They also lobby for laws and loopholes that benefit only their upper management and shareholders.
Our Senators and Representatives use sensitive and confidential government information to get rich from the stock market, free from even the slightest possible congressional censure because they are ALL engaged in it.
"Too Big to Fail" companies, banks, and investment firms devour public tax revenue when teetering on the edge of bankruptcy because of decades of predatory and unregulated financial policies . But these same firms will never pay back our tax money, cut their CEO's compensation, obscene bonuses by a dime, or even tolerate a single regulation to prevent the same scenario from happening again.
Public services that taxpayers paid for like the Post Office, power generation / distribution, roads, prisons, and libraries are being "phased out" in favor of for-profit companies and their lobbyists that write the laws and budgets.
It is time someone stepped up to the plate to protect the little guy's rights. It is time the millions upon millions of little guys in this country stood up and seized their rights back from the faceless, soul-crushing conglomerates and colossal multinational companies that own our government, and write our laws.
Be warned. That someone stepping up to the plate is me.
And I shan't tolerate one single iota of nonsense.
PREAMBLE
We, the Unreasonable People...
... the fickle and rabid Consumers of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Consumer Union, establish Justice, insure Consumer Tranquility, provide for the Common Defense, promote the General Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Consumer Liberty, do ordain and establish this Consumer Constitution and Bill of Rights for the United States of America.
CONSTITUTION ARTICLES I-VII
Whatever... Nobody cares about the formation or organization of their government. And it's full of complicated egghead stuff with big words Consumers don't have time to read, much less understand. But I'll tell you Articles I-VII give giant corporations the right to do whatever they want with pretty much any Consumers' personal, sensitive or otherwise protected information.
And it says the government has the right to not give a shit as long as their lobbyist checks keep cashing.
It also gives the government the right to spy on everyone and their pets, especially the pets that leave giant loads right on any Congressman or Senator's lawn.
FIRST AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to ignore any huge, flashing red sign on the product web page saying, "THIS ITEM IS MADE TO ORDER. PLEASE EXPECT A WEEK FOR IT TO SHIP." Furthermore, the Consumer shall have the right to saucily give XXX-867-5309 as their home telephone number and an email they check every six months as their primary means of contact.
If the Consumer hasn't seen their package arrive in 2 days, they shall have the right to correspond angrily in ALL CAPS to the company. This includes threatening them with punitive damages in the tens of thousands of dollar range, and grave bodily harm.
The company is required by law to send rational, soothing responses to the Consumer's junk folder until a) the Consumer gets their package, or b) the Consumer checks their junk folder, whichever comes first.
SECOND AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to decorate themselves with 15lbs of gold jewelry and a handbag worth at least $15k, walk into any store, seek out the youngest, most inexperienced clerk, and shout "WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN EXPENSIVE IN THIS PLACE?"
Furthermore, the Consumer has the right to go on a lengthy diatribe about how frugal they grew up, how reprehensible the crying, blubbering clerk is, and wax nostalgic about the 15 years they've shopped here, and how great those 15 years were until they had to set eyes on the blubbering clerk.
When the clerk calls for a manager, the Customer shall have the right to scuttle off without saying or buying anything.
THIRD AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to a full refund of their web purchase. Even if they put the wrong address on it and it "accidentally" ended up at The California Department of Corrections, Chico.
FOURTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to snap their fingers, yell, complain, pound the bar, and / or otherwise demean bar-staff and honestly expect their drinks to be spit-free.
FIFTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to millions of dollars in punitive compensation if sold a product even 30 seconds past its "Best Buy" date.
SIXTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to tip waitstaff shittily or not at all because the "tipping custom is pretty ridiculous" and "Nobody tips in the rest of the world."
SEVENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to interpret a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee to mean they can bring in used, soiled, worn-out, years-old possessions from their dead relatives' catacombs and expect full refunds to fuel their heavyweight drug habit.
EIGHTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer has the right to return half-eaten bags / cans / plates / bales of food for a 100% refund. No matter what.
NINTH AMENDMENT
Creepy Older Male Consumers shall have the right to plant their fat ass at the checkout and discuss plodding banalities with the cute teenage checkout girl who can't properly disengage conversations with adults. The Creepy Older Male Consumer shall have the right to quickly waddle away when the manager shakes off his high-carb, after-lunch torpor and yells, "WHO'S NEXT?!" to the seething Consumers still in line.
TENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to loudly dispute the knowledge of any employee solely on the merit that they are a Consumer, and the Consumer is always right.
Furthermore, the Consumer shall have the right to tens of thousands of dollars in compensation if they are even slightly offended by anything any business anywhere has ever said at any time.
ELEVENTH AMENDMENT
This Consumer Amendment shall go to Eleven forevermore in remembrance of Nigel Tufnel, noted shoe haberdasher.
TWELFTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to believe they are as brilliant as their mom says, which is much more brilliant than everyone else thinks that Consumer is.
THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT
Seniors, shut-ins, or Consumers with Dementia, Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's shall have the right to call a store repeatedly in an attempt to make a friend on the "outside."
FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to use a businesses' bathroom whenever and wherever they need to do whatever drugs or perverted sexual ritual they are addicted to.
FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT
If the photo on a product's web page shows more than one of said product, the Consumer shall have the right to demand as many products shown in the photo despite repeated, highly-visible announcements everywhere on the webpage, cart, and checkout to the contrary. The Consumer shall also be entitled to compensatory damages in the five-figure range.
SIXTEENTH AMENDMENT
If a product is not priced or priced incorrectly, the Consumer shall have the right to gleefully exclaim "IT'S FREE, RIGHT!?!" and file legal action if the clerk does not deliver it for free.
SEVENTEENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to have their preferences remembered by store staff even if the Consumer only bought one thing at the store in the last 4 years when they were a different sex.
EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to write a 2-star review of an AirBnB with comments like, "The house was nice, clean, well appointed, close to everything we wanted, but we couldn't see the ocean," despite no claim or picture in the property description about being able to see the ocean.
NINETEENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to grill a shop owner about their political beliefs before buying anything so as not to support "THE ENEMY."
TWENTIETH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to get completely tanked, get into their 18-wheeler, level an entire mobile home park, and sue the brand of liquor that "got" them drunk.
TWENTY-FIRST AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to compensatory damages the medium steak they ordered is served with pink inside, despite the meat temperature scale defining a "Medium" steak as having pink inside. The consumer shall also have the right to order pork chops and chicken as medium rare without being made fun of by any employee in the restaurant despite looking like a complete idiot.
TWENTY-SECOND AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to threaten bodily harm to Tech Support when asked: 1) If they've shut it down and turned it back on, 2) Forgot their password, 3) Whether it's in Airplane Mode. 4) Paid their subscription, 5) Are liquored up, or 6) Asks what the hell their problem is and to please stop calling their private number in the wee hours.
TWENTY-THIRD AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to be an insufferable know-it-all and loudly correct any tour guide with specious facts they heard from severe alcoholics at a seedy bar the night before.
TWENTY-FOURTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to eat the silica pack from a huge bag of beef jerky despite being warned on the package AND the silica pack not to. When the Consumer is rushed to the emergency room for an obstructed bowel, he/she shall have the right to sue the beef jerky company. Also the manufacturer of the silica pack, and the distributor, the retailer, the retailer's family, the retail family's neighbors, and the retail family's deceased relatives. All shall be sued "back to the stone age."
TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT
Any employee from a car dealership who utters, "Legally, I can't let you drive away in this unsafe car," shall be whipped with barbed wire and strung up on the side of a barn until they are within the proverbial inch of their pathetic lives.
TWENTY-SIXTH AMENDMENT
Any conflict regarding the number of McNuggets promised, and the number of McNuggets delivered to the Consumer shall be decided by the Supreme Court or a gigantic brawl at the Drive Thru window.
TWENTY-SEVENTH AMENDMENT
The Consumer shall have the right to go on Yelp and give any business or anything else like The Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland a one-star review. Points shall be awarded to a Consumer's Credit Score if that consumer only got a Yelp account to file a negative review tome chock full of egregious injustice.
Like this one:
"McDonalds at the corner of Jug St. & Chubbie Ave:
●○○○○ AVOID THIS RESTAURANT!!! I rarely review "Fast Food" restaurants, but I ordered a Two Cheeseburger Value Meal medium rare here, and the cheeseburgers came back as two well done smashburgers! Not only that, but the cheese appeared to be Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food Product! It was definitely not any cheese I am familiar with. Not even Velveeta. And the mystery cheese was intractably melted to the outside of the burger wrappers because they were wrapped inside out.
I wish I could end this horrible review here, but the extra pickles on the cheeseburgers I ordered tasted like low-grade formaldehyde. The pickles were definitely not edible! Were they Dill Pickles? Bread and Butter? Mustard? Half Sours? I couldn't tell because my eyes were watering and I was feeling faint.
And I specifically said, "NO ONIONS!" to the half-asleep, greasy, tattooed teenager behind the counter, and GUESS WHAT? There were zillions of onions on both cheeseburgers!!! I have a feeling that teen was challenging me, especially when they forgot my side garden salad with Ranch dressing I ordered! My husband says the greasy teen never put my side salad order in because they didn't offer one and there was a line of frustrated customers behind us.
THAT'S IT. THERE'S NO MORE RIGHTS FOR YOU.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
GO HOME.