Hi everyone!!! I'm Marz! I live at Chez Salty and I work at Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters in Boothbay Harbor!! I'm the best greeter in the whole state of Maine!!!! Even better than Wal-Mart!! Those greeter don't even shove their snouts in customer's crotches!!! That's pretty lame!!! You're a customer for Dog's Sake! You deserve a hard snout in your crotch!!!
Some people at the shop don't like me putting my snout in their crotch!!! I think they're cat people!!! Or they're people who own small dogs and say I'm fat!!! But I'm NOT fat!! My head is just really big!!! And my head is hard!! Not buttery at all!!!! People should LOVE it in their crotch!!!!!
Don says I'm Two Salty Dogs' Vice President of Marketing!!!! Haha!!! It's true! If Don's trying to get rid of a collar, he'll put one on me!!!! Then lots of Bipeds in the shop buy it!!!! I'm very convincing!!!! And people love me!! And the same goes for toys!! Bipeds LOVE my toys!!! Like Bumble, Sasquatch, and the Yeti!!!!!
And that's all fine, but I REALLY want to be a Private Detective!!! It looks so fun!! I've had a lot of practice sniffing tennis balls from under the sofa!!! I've been doing it since I was a whelp!! I like working on mysteries!!!
THE CASE OF HORN COVE'S MISSING WATER
I started solving mysteries when I was just a pup!!! It's true!!! It started when I noticed Horn Cove Beach had a lot less water than the first time I visited it!!! Who stole all the water?!?!?! Where was the water? That was my first crime investigation!!!!
I asked everyone around Horn Cove!!! Biped and Dog!!!! Some laughed at me!!! Everyone said they didn't know!!! The water always came back!!!! Sometimes in the same day!!
It was very suspicious!!!! Who would have the motive to take all the water from Horn Cove away, and then replace it EVERY SINGLE DAY?!?!?! Who would benefit from that?! That's what a good K9 Detective would ask!!!!
I thought about it a lot!!! Sometimes I thought about it so hard I forgot about breakfast!!!! When I boiled down all the facts, there were only two people who had the opportunity AND the motive to empty Horn Cove of all it's water!!!!! The Boothbay Harbor Water District and Don!!! They were working together!!! They were partners in crime!!! The plot was so easy to figure out when you thought about it!!!
Don won't even get a day in jail though!!!! It turns out here's no law against stealing seawater!!!! Don't worry!!! There's enough evidence against Don for other things to to put him away for a zillion years!!!! I hope they let him out of prison for an hour a day to play fetch at Hendricks Head Beach, though!!!!!
THE CASE OF THE MISSING TENNIS BALLS
Whenever a Chez Salty dog left a tennis ball out on the deck, it would disappear overnight!!!! There would also be a big pile of dog poop on our deck!!! It was very intimidating because the thief was a klepto - poop - a - holic!!! Those are the worst!!! Most are Labradoodles!!! At that's what happens at the beach!!!!
THE TRAP
I set up a trap!!! I had a very valuable orange Wilson tennis ball and left it on our deck!!!! Those tennis balls are very rare!!! Once it disappeared, I would conduct an investigation of everyone in Horn Cove and see if they had the Wilson Orange tennis ball!!!
THE POOP
I couldn't get angry about the poop on the deck!!! That was collateral damage!!! But it might help with my investigation!!!! The first thing I did was sniff as many Horn Cove dog butts as hard as I could!!! Maybe a butt would smell like the poop on the deck!!!!!
Unfortunately, there was no definite match from the dogs I interviewed, and I had to resort to hitting the hard, cold streets of Horn Cove!
DEB & WHIT'S
The first place I checked was Deb & Whit's house!!! Deb played tennis all the time!!!! The only problem was they didn't have a dog!!! And the poop was definitely a dog's!!!!
THE JOBES
The second place I checked was the Jobes' House!!! They have a dog named Bear who likes to fetch!! I went down one morning after breakfast and sniffed all around their house!!! Bear had a bunch of Ultimate Balls out on the deck!!! But no tennis balls!!!
When I went to take a harder look, Bear started barking like crazy!!! It paid off because the Jobes' let me in!!!! They are very nice!!!! It was great seeing Bear!!! But I had work to do!!! I sniffed all over the inside of their house and only took 15 treats before heading out to inspect the grounds!!!!
There were a couple tennis balls around, but no orange ones!! And there were no big piles of poopie on the deck!!! Bear and the Jobes were safe from prosecution!!!
THE LORENTZEN CONNECTION
The third place I checked was the Lorentzen's!!! They're the closest house to Chez Salty!!! And they have skillions of dogs and people running around!! Lot's of them are Biped kids!!! And they come around all the time!!! I thought that could be a connection!!! Maybe it was a Biped kid stealing the tennis balls and pooping on the deck!!! That would be very improbable, but not impossible!!! And detectives have to explore EVERY possibility!!!! Otherwise they would be like the Canton MA Police Department!!!
I began my investigation by sniffing thoroughly in between the two houses!!! There were lots of blueberries around, so I got distracted a lot!!!! But even when I sniffed all around the Lorentzen's there was no evidence!!! There was no orange tennis ball!!! When the Lorentzen's let me inside, I would check all inside the house in between kitchen treats and games of tug!!!! There was no orange tennis ball!! There was no matching poop smell!!
I had a couple more treats and broke off the Lorentzen investigation!!!! They were innocent!!!
THE HEREFORDS
Before going to the Herefords, I made sure the thief didn't hide the orange tennis ball at the beach!!! I conducted a thorough investigation!!! It was hours long!!!! The tennis ball wasn't there, but there was plenty of kelp washed up!!!! It was delicious!!!! And the sand was pretty salty!!! I gave it 10 out of 10!!!!!!
The Herefords live just down from the Lorentzens by the beach!!! They have a dog named Tater!!! That's short for Potato!!! Isn't that clever?!?!?! He's a big fat yellow lab!!!!! He looks just like a yellow potato with legs and a tail!!!! He chews on rocks, too!!!
It was hard to inspect the Hereford's house!!! It was very tall!! The only way to get up there is two flights of very steep steps!!! I could get caught on those steps!!! Then my investigation was over!!! My undercover action could be blown!!!
So I stayed on the lawn and sniffed around for the orange tennis ball and the deck poop!!!! The matching smell of deck poop was very strong!!!! I was onto a lead in the case!!!! That's how detectives talked!!!! I was on my way to being a K9 Gumshoe!!!!!
All the evidence led me to the Herefords deck!!!! After a lot of consideration, I realized I had no choice but to go up those steep steps and investigate!!!!
When I finally got to the top of the deck and the steps, I couldn't believe my eyes!!! The orange tennis ball was there!!!! Not only that, but there were about a zillion regular tennis balls there!!!! And a whole bunch of Biped winter gloves!!!! And on the far end of the deck was a single, fresh, stinky dog poop!!!!
Tater was the wanted klepto - poop - a - holic!!!
CASE CLOSED
The case was closed!!! I solved the case!!! Me!!! Little Fudgie!!!
Tater stole all the tennis balls and pooped on our deck!!! He also stole a bunch of Biped gloves from everyone at Horn Cove for a long time!!! And his partner in crime was his Biped owner, Judy!!!! Judy was an accomplice!!! She covered up Tater's crimes for a long time!!! Judy and Tater should go to their crates for a super long time!!!!! I calculated all the time Tater and Judy would have to serve for robbery and public defecation and it was way over a life sentence for both of them!!!!
I liked Tater and Judy. I didn't want them to go to jail. So I grabbed the orange tennis ball and went back to Chez Salty.
And pooped on their deck.
-- Marzipan Fin Tin Limb Bin Bus Stop F*tang F*tang Ole Biscuit Barrel Kingsbury